Knock knock......'who's there?'.....It's me, the past.....

What do you do when the past comes knocking on your door?  How do you deal with it?   I've asked myself these questions lately....

The past, and we all have one at our age, is bound to peek around the corner and show up at your doorstep at one point.  How do you deal with the past when you are trying to create a present and a future?

Not an easy question and not an easy feat.  But dealing with the past is a necessity.  Showing yourself and showing the people from your past that you are attempting to change and that you trying to regulate your present and your future is of prime importance I think.

It takes time, it sometimes takes the breaking of ties if necessary but more importantly, it takes the realization that you and you alone can control what is happening in your own life at the present time. 

The realization that people's reactions to your decisions are not your responsability is of prime importance.  In other words YOU and YOU alone are responsible for your actions and for your reactions. 

You are not responsible for other people's words, other people's reactions or other people's attempt to lure you back into your past. 

You are however responsible for putting your foot down and for controlling your own avenue. 

You are the only one able to decide if you are presently going to a safe, happy, healthy and loving future or if you want to go back to a less than healthy and chaotic past.

You need determination and you definitely need to prioritze what is important to you in your life at the present in order to gain a calm and happy future.

It is not easy to realize and to admit that some of our past friendships were not only unhealthy but were superficial.  Some of these past ties were there for the sole purpose to gain something.  Whether you were the one being used or you were the one using the other, those relationships do not belong in your present and in your future if you want a happy one......

Being able to honestly look at yourself, to have an insight on what you really truly want is the key.  It is not easy to admit to yourself, let alone to others, what you want and need for the present and for the future....

Your needs may not always match what the important people in your life want.  This is why insight, honesty, communication and compromise is important.....

Just something to think about......

Signed yours truly, in a bit of a tug of war.....

SSW :)

The past and the present

I had the opportunity to spend time with my extended family lately.  It had me thinking.  I see my little nieces and nephews, now parents themselves and I wonder; I wonder about time, about life and about how people move on despite it all.

Along with these family gathering, I'm also introducing my Mr Right in my very big, very energetic family.  Mr Right is a very shy and reserved man.  Although with experience he has grown to compensate and to work around his shyness, I can still pick up on a sense of nervousness on his part when meeting new people.  He comes from a small, quiet and reserved family. 

The merging of two different cultures are interesting in many ways.  However, adapting in order to achieve comfort is not always easy and not always obvious.

Mr Right and I are adapting very well with ourselves and with my son that is still very much a part of my life.  We are both learning to let go of a past that we weren't even aware existed; or at the very least weren't aware of its' influence on each of us.

It is not easy letting go of preconceived ideas.  It is especially not easy to 'forget' or to let go of the past experiences that we both lived.  No, we don't have to forget them but we need to categorize them under the life experience file (aka the E file - please see my other blog alifelongpartner.blogspot.ca) in order to allow ourselves to move on.

You know, family always puts things into perspective for me.  I see the little ones building their own ties with extended family, their own experiences and their own joys and heart breaks.  I see my not so little son, nephews and nieces growing up, learning, developing and trying to make a life for themselves in their own way.  It has me thinking how we are reacting as middle age adults and then it has me contemplating the reactions of the elderly around us.

I know, I know, I'm all over the map with this entry.  The past, the present, our cultures, our future, family, young, middle, old, moving on or staying put.....  I'm scattered and I know it.

I think I'm thinking too much (imagine that) and I know that I shouldn't be thinking (let alone too much) when I'm hormonal (see my entry 'Paused Mental Stability' in my other blog mentioned above).

That being said though, there is nothing wrong with writing. 

I'm pensive at the moment.  Being in a relationship, a relationship that developed into a very serious one very quickly has thrown me for a loop at times I admit it. 

Just to be clear, I'm NOT regretting one minute of it and I do NOT miss my single life. 

I was sitting alone this Sunday morning enjoying my coffee.  It was nice to sit and not have to worry about going anywhere quickly.  I was alone and I did think for a split second of how lonely it would be as I got older to be alone like this all the time. 

I am thankful for all that I have.  I am surrounded by family, by an amazing loving, supporting and wonderful family, that would do anything for me.  I have a teenage son that is a dream for all mothers.  He is smart, loving, caring, tender, sensitive, polite, strong and very wise for his young years.  In my mother's heart, he is the love of my life. 

I also have a man in my life.  My Mr Right.  Mr Right is not perfect and nor am I...not by a long shot.  Mr Right and I love one another.  We are trying to accommodate everyone in our lives and to include the other's family, culture and ways.  We are trying to please each other through support, love and quiet hugs.  Mr Right and I are learning that we will never be able to please everyone all the time.  We are learning not to take things personally but to try and be the best that we can for ourselves and for each other.  We are learning to compromise, to allow unconditional love into our hearts and to let go of the past.  It is not an easy lesson but we are doing great, one day at a time.

To feel the intensity of a man's love is overwhelming at times.  Love can make you overlook many things (thus the proverb 'love is blind') but let me assure you, that to accept the love is a choice.  I choose to accept his love for me.  Loving him back is less of a choice and more of a fact.  I truly don't think that you can 'choose' to love someone, you just do....

It's easier to love than to be loved though.... but both are oh so worthwhile when you learn to move on together, into the present, letting go of the past and anticipating the future....together....

The past has shown me that I can be patient, that I know what I want and deserve and that I do not settle for anything else than what I deserve.  That being said, I know that no one is perfect and that I will obviously never find someone perfect, however, perfect for me, like my Mr Right, is simply....perfect!

Presently, I, the middle aged woman is adapting to the changes in her life.  Just like my younger nephews and nieces that are adapting to being parents and just like my great nephew and nieces that are learning and experiencing new adventures, they are also all adapting.

I cannot predict the future, but I suspect that more adaptations will be necessary.  The human being is always adapting to something it seems.  Whether is be physical, emotional, spiritual, professional, environmental, mental etc..... there is always adaptation of the past and of the present in order to hopefully have a better, more complete and happier future....

Signed pensively yours,

SSW :)

bark bark, woof woof

Since being with Mr Right, I've welcomed a new member to our little family.  A cute and cuddly little havanese dog named Beaner!  I used to have a dog.  His name was Charlie.  I forgot how good an animal can make you feel.

We got my Charlie, a little cairn terrier (think Toto on Wizard of Oz) when my son was just over the age of two.  Charlie was the gentlest, kindest and cutest animal around.  He was my son's best friend and used to take care of him.  He would protect him, play with him, sleep with him and yes even warn us, his parents, when our son got into trouble.

I remember once, my late husband and I were watching tv, our son was in bed.  We had just taken down the security gate from the side of his bed but had put pillows on the floor in case he fell out of bed.  Unbeknownst to us, he did fall out.  My Charlie went nuts.  He was running back and forth from my son's room to the living room, trying to get our attention but not barking so that he wouldn't wake up his little master.  We soon got the message that something was up and we were able to put our boy back in bed.

Charlie and my son would chase each other in the house.  When my son fell, the dog would stop in his tracks, run to him, make sure he was ok and lick him.  If my son was crying, Charlie would start crying too and run to warn me.....

The love of a boy and his dog..... how amazing.  I was always thankful for my Charlie for taking such good care and for being a friend to my son.  Life's circumstances made it so that my son does not have any siblings, therefore, the dog was a playmate for him.

Unfortunately, Charlie died when he was 8 years old.  My son was 10.  Charlie had cancer and was suffering so we had to put him down.  As you can very well imagine, we were all very sad by this loss.  Charlie's death proved to be a life lesson for my son.  A lesson that life is not forever and that all living things die.  It's a very hard lesson to learn at such a young age, but my son already knew about loss and death when his father passed away a few years later.....

Back to our four legged friends though.  Life goes on and we never did get another dog but now, in comes Beaner.

This friendly, zealous, exuberant, gentle and loving dog is a great add on to our lives.  When he is here, he is always with my son.  In fact, it is quite funny to see the dog get so attached to my son that he hardly reacts anymore when his master, Mr Right, shows up at the door.

Beaner is making me notice the other dogs in the neighbourhood.  Walking a dog sure makes for a different experience, one that I had forgotten.  I suddenly notice and am now making friends with the other dogs. 

There is Candy and Buster, Ralph and Molson, Sandy and Jack.  Also, I can't forget the big horse of a dog down the street that scares me everytime he runs toward me, the big bull dog who looks like an out of breath tank, the little chihuaha that barks like it's 200 lbs and of course my little Beaner taking it all in. 

Dogs dogs everywhere.  Those are just the ones I remember off the top of my head.  A funny breed those animals.  They will do anything to protect us, will say hi in a friendly manner (ok, sniffing each other out is not necessarily friendly to us but it is to them), will attack if feeling threaten and their tails will be wagging if all is good. 

They make me wonder about our lives as human beings.  We are not that far apart when you think about it.  We as humans will also protect our families and loved ones.  We will react badly if attacked and we will usually be happy to meet new people.

I think the saddest fact of this story is that I'm now realizing that I know the dogs in my neighbourhood better than I know the humans.  Don't get me wrong, I know some of my neighbours but most of them I don't.

It's not because we are anti social, it is mostly the lack of time.  Sure, I say hi and smile to the neighbour down the street, but we will not stop and chat.  Whereas the dogs will insist on sniffing each other out and saying hi to each other. 

Perhaps we need to start insisting a bit more as humans and take the time to do the small talk over the weather and the neighbourhood.  Not everyone will receive it well but I think most will. 

Yes, the dogs in my life are making me smile.  The crazy antics they go through to get my attention while walking my own little dog.  The barking and woofing, the dancing and jumping up and down, the yelps and the tail wagging; all of it just to get my attention and to say hi to my Beaner.

We, as humans, have lots to learn from our four legged friends the dogs.....

Just something to think about......

Woof woof, bark bark, (signed yours truly in dog language....ha!).

SSW :)

Greed, revenge and dignity

'There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold, and she's buying a stairway to heaven'. 

Stairway to Heaven, sang and made very popular by the group Led Zepplin, hit the lyrics right on the head when expressing the definition of greed.

Robert Plant, lead singer and composer explains the lyrics: "it was some cynical aside about a woman getting everything she wanted all the time without giving back any thought or consideration....'

It is unfortunate to meet or to hear about such greedy people, the ones that want everything for themselves.  The ones that never have enough and always want more.

I heard a saying a while back that went like this 'some people are so poor that all they have is money.'  How sad. 

Of course money is important but what can it provide apart from the necessities of life?  In our society, we want it all, the big house, the cars (notice the plural), the cottage, the toys and basically everything that we want.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking it one bit.  If you can afford it and if it's important to you and if everything else in your life is balanced, why not go for those things?  The problem does not lie here.....

No, the problem lies when we try to acquire these at the expense of important things.  At the expense of time spent from family and loved ones, at the expense of our physical health and also at the expense of our mental health.  What is the point I ask?

The worst type though is to try to acquire at the expense of others. 
This is without a doubt the lowest of the low.  I'm talking about the thieves, the ones that should be working but are not, the ones that are taking advantage of other people's goodness and yes, even those that are taking advantage of the law. 

I've learnt recently that the law has nothing to do with morals.  That if someone qualifies to receive a certain sum of money, even if it is known that this money will be wasted on drugs and alcohol, that it is ok; that the judges really don't care what you do with the money.  If you are entitled to it, it's yours.....even if it will hurt someone else by receiving it.....

There is a link between that amount of greed and hurting others to attracting revenge and hate from the people around you though.  I'm talking about deep rooted hurt.  A pain so bad that the person on the other end of the spectrum will feel the effect of that greed forever.  The selfish acts of someone wanting everything for themselves no matter what or whom it destroys. 

Me, myself and I.....the important trilogy that can not only destroy yourself, but impair the others around you.

Revenge is obviously not the answer.  It is normal to feel the need for retribution though, to want to do something about this injustice but it is not the answer.

You see, these type of people, the greedy ones that will stop at nothing to acquire material goods, are usually left to be alone.  Alone with their conscience, alone with their thoughts and mostly, just alone....

You might say that these types of people don't care, that they don't have a conscience.  Perhaps you are right, but I'm willing to guarantee that at one point in their life, even if it is at the time of their last breath, that these selfish and greedy people will get a thought about their actions and about their life.

Dignity is not engrained in a lot of us.  A person who has dignity, that takes a high road and that overlooks other people's greed is indeed the winner in most situations.  However, dignity is not at the top of your list if you are the person that is being hurt by the other's greed......

No, it's not a high road that you want to take but in the end, you have to be able to live with yourself.

I think it comes down to being able to look at yourself in the mirror.  To be honest with the people you love and especially to be truthful to yourself.

Money is important, but it is not the most important thing in life.  We all work hard for our money, but if we make ourselves sick over it, alienate others around us or worst don't do any good whatsoever with it, what is the point?

Greed, revenge and dignity...which road does one take?

SSW :)

'Wall Street is greedy, reckless and they operate illegally.  That's fine.  But what do you do?  Bernie Sanders

Listening to the silence

I heard a commentary this week on the radio.  It was about how two major cities in Canada (Montreal and Toronto) are going to be spending millions and millions of dollars (50 millions in fact) in order to wire their subway system to the internet.  Soon, underground travelers will be able to access their phones, email messages, social media etc... from under the ground.

Pretty mind boggling when you think of it.  Millions of dollars being spent.....  on that.....

I know that money speaks in the business world.  I know that the internet is important and that it is not going away.

I'm the first to admit that I can't really remember what I did before the internet was alive.  In fact, Mr Right often comments that I should leave my blackberry behind once in awhile; that I should really just put the computer away and not bother with it for a few days.... (yes, a few days....YIKES)!

For the phone comment, I always reply that it is a safety net for me and my son.  I feel better being available at all times to my still minor son.  When he becomes an adult and is on his own well then I can see myself letting go of the phone.....  I think.... *sigh*.

Mr Right's comment last night was 'then why do you need a blackberry, just get a cheaper plan for texts only'.  How dare him talk about my blackberry like that!  lol.

Thing is, what he doesn't know is that when I first got into the world of cell phones, I had fun with them.  I spent a lot of times figuring them out and now, I'm known for being pretty techy (and perhaps a bit nerdy).  I'm able and be able to figure out lots of techy stuff on the computer or the phones. 

I've often caught myself in the past, when I was dating (see my other blog: http://alifelongpartner.blogspot.ca/ ) saying 'I prefer my relationship with my blackberry than the ones I'm having with the dates I'm going on.  I know that it's a pretty sad statement but hey....the phone was there for me when I was bored at home (and sometimes bored on a date......I made it ring to leave the date a few times).  Anyways, that's another story....

All that to say that I love the internet, the tech world and that I'm entertained by it.  However, I'm not so sure that spending 50 million dollars on a wifi upgrade in subway stations should be a priority. 

You see, Mr Right is teaching me in his own way to live in the moment and to not rely on technology so much.  I'm not sure if Mr Right even realizes that he is teaching me this.....but he is.  He has no cell phones (and I like it like that).  He has an ipod and he does have a computer but he's not too vocal in social medias and he doesn't express himself often through emails.  He uses the phone or face to face.  I love this about him.

On the other hand, if something goes wrong in his technological world, his girlfriend can get him out of it....HA!

One thing for sure, there is definitely something to be said about being alone with your thoughts.  Having no internet access, no phone and no technological distractions is not all that bad.  It's a bit weird at first for those of us who use it regularly but I strongly suspect that it would not be so bad to disconnect and to stay disconnected for a certain period of time. 

I can't imagine that being connected for your subway ride will make that much of a difference for most people.  Fifty million dollars??  C'mon now!

I fear that people are losing the ability to be by themselves, alone with their thoughts.  It's a sad loss.....

I'm not saying I want to ban wifi and the internet, I'm saying we need to find a better balance with it.  Me included.

It's going to come for me and I will find that balance.  I hope more people realizes the importance of listening to their thoughts and yes, to listening to the silence around them at times.  It's really not all that bad.....

Signed yours truly, still connected but trying to break the ties.....

SSW :)

I can feel you

I have this gift....ok, sometimes I see it as a bit less than a gift....  What is it you ask?  It's pretty simple....for me anyways it's simple.  I don't know if it's due to my education, my work, my nature or just the way I was raised, but I have this 'thing' about me. 

I can sense other people's emotions....I can also sense the 'mood' of a group or of a place.

Yes, this certainly helps me in my work...I work in the 'people' field.  It can help me in my relationships and it makes me be empathetic but at the same time, I can get exhausted from the emotions around me.

I know that this sounds strange.  I'm much better as I get older at not letting other's emotions affect me, but at times, it still does....

I remember being a little girl and getting feelings about people.  I now know as an adult that these feelings were my gut instinct talking to me.  I also realize that as young as the age of 5, that my instinct was always right about the emotions emanating from someone or from a place.

Today, I'm tuned in so much that when I walk into a building or a room, the emotions 'floating' around hits me like a brick wall.  In fact, I've walked through the front door of some places and have been stopped dead in my tracks by the 'kick in the gut' feeling of the bad emotions floating around in that building.

When I was going to university and sitting on the city bus, I was always seeking out the empty seats.  Not that I was antisocial but I knew that if I sat with someone that I was going to hear about their life stories.  If I did have a seat by myself and someone sat with me, I always got their life stories also....  I sometimes joked with friends that I had 'talk to me' written on my forehead.

I've had strangers, young and old stop me on the street when I'm exercising just to talk to me.  Oh I see them coming.  I know that they are sad, upset, happy, angry or whatever....I can feel it a mile away, as soon as I spot them.

This 'gift' is not the end of the world and I am used to it.  It's second nature to me and sometimes I have to remind myself that the others are not always in tuned with what is happening around them.  That fact sometimes surprises me.  What is obvious to me, is not so apparent to everyone.

Awhile back, I was out jogging.  I was approaching an elderly lady.  She was walking very slowly and was pulling her buggy with groceries behind her.  She stopped walking as she saw me and watched me run for awhile.  When I got close to her, seeing that she was still looking at me, I stopped and approached her and asked her how she was doing and if she needed help.  She proceeded to tell me her life story.  She just needed to talk it seemed.  I stayed with her talking for a good 15 minutes.  She refused my help to carry her groceries.   I had never seen her before nor have I ever seen her since.

This was a good meeting, it was not long after my mom had passed away and it felt good to be with someone that age.  I like the fact that people think that they can talk to me.  I still think of this elderly lady at times and wonder how she is doing.  Sometimes I wonder why people talk to me so much......  it's all good though.

So what does this 'gift' do for me?  It has definitely helped me get in tune with people.  It has also taught me over the years to always, always, always (and I do mean always) listen to my gut instinct.  This came in very handy when I was dating and meeting people on a dating site......

I truly think that everyone has that gut feeling but that many ignore it.  I like to call it a gut feeling, an instinct or even a little voice.  I think everyone has it and if we would all listen to it, I suspect we would all avoid some unpleasant situations.....

Signed yours truly, feeling it all......

SSW :)

Juicy arteries

I went for an ultra sound this week.  All is well and there is no need for concern.  The technician was very pleasant, very upbeat and very positive.  She told me that I have 'juicy arteries'.  I chuckled hard at that and I couldn't wait to tell Mr Right that my arteries were juicy....lol.

The comment had me thinking about health and especially about the abuse of our health.  As mentionned in my previous entry in my other blog ('U can't touch this' in my blog 'alifelongpartner'), I've been battling weight all of my life.

The body is so forgiving though.  The abuse that I put it through with being obese is now pretty much eliminated.  Hey, even my arteries are juicy!  :)

The fat level in my liver is very normal and very good and generally, I'm in good health now.  I'm very lucky indeed.

Unfortunately though, the body doesn't always regenerate itself fast enough, especially if you wait too long to take action for your health.  For example, the smoker's lungs, along with the wheezing and cough will not always clear up and will sometimes in fact develop into worse diseases.

The alcoolic's liver goes through the same thing.  If not caught on time, cirrhosis develops at a fast pace.  Yes, the liver can regenerate but it won't if the alcoholic doesn't stop drinking.

The same can be said for a sedentary life.  How long will the body forgive a complete lack of exercise?

Yes, the body can sometimes forgive especially if caught on time and if we are lucky.  Of course genetics plays a big role and so does the mind.....  Mind over matter perhaps?  The will power to stop drinking, to stop smoking and to exercise more.  Will power to control the food intake.....

This lovely technician that did my ultra sound referenced to me as being a tiny woman.  As you can all imagine, I surprisingly looked over my shoulder because I wasn't sure who she was talking to.  Apparently she was talking to me. 

The mind is a funny thing.  I cannot for the life of me wrap my head around the fact that I am smaller.  In fact, I always think that the sizing on the new clothes that I'm buying is wrong.  I still don't recognize myself in the mirror at times and I still laugh out loud when someone tells me that I must weigh under 100 lbs (believe me, this is wrong).  Yes, the mind is strange at times.  My will power is great....but my perception is off.

Weirdly enough though, I still feel myself drawn to food despite the will power that I do have.  If I feel an emotion, whether it be happiness, sadness, excitement, stress, tiredness etc..., I think of food.  I now know that food is associated with an emotion for me so I usually control it.

Mr Right has been fabulous at helping me with that.  He is the opposite of me.  When he feels an intense emotion, he forgets to eat.  I always tell him that I have never forgotten to eat in my life....lol. 

Thankfully though, we are both there for each other.  I feed him on a regular basis and when I suddenly announce that I want food, he will simply look at me and smile...sometimes raise an eyebrow.  Just enough for me to realize that I cannot possibly be hungry, that I just finished dinner.....

I wish that it would always be so easy for anyone with an addiction.  That the will power always be stronger than an addition.  Wouldn't life be easier for everyone?  I know that levels of addictions are different for everyone. I also know that you need to WANT to be better at controlling things...but sometimes, that is not enough. 

I understand addictions.  I know that I have lots of will power and I know that I am stubborn and I especially know that I still struggle at times....  With my amount of will power (pure stubbornness really), I can only imagine that I am not alone in the constant battle of an addiction....

An addiction is not always easy to beat or to control but it is definitely so beneficial to your health once you do beat it....

You could even end up with juicy arteries ;)

Here's to willing will power to everyone that needs it!

Signed yours truly, in an apparently small body, stubborn mind and the holder of big juicy arteries....

SSW :)

Who are these people around me?

Here I am once again with a new blog.  Now that I have found Mr Right (please see my other blog http://www.alifelongpartner.blogspot.ca/ ), this Self-Sufficient Woman has decided to write about everyday stuff.

I love to write and I have found it to be quite helpful in my search for Mr Right.  Writing has proven to help me gather my thoughts and has also helped me relax and put things in perspective.

From my full time job to my part time job.  From my beautiful teenage son to my new wonderful Mr Right.  From my elderly neighbour to my rowdy ones a little bit further down the street.  From my new dog that came along with Mr Right to all of the other animals on the street that I do not have a choice but to now notice (as I walk the new one).  From my exercise routine (that is oh so off right now) to my eating habits that are definitely not as they were.  From the people I meet at my local grocery stores, to the ones I meet at my local Wal Mart, this blog is aimed at entertaining you with my thoughts and my adventures with everyone in my everyday life...wherever they are and whoever they are, let's see what impact they have on me.

I will try to write on a regular basis.  As you all know, juggling a professional and a personal life is not an easy task.  Even with Mr Right in my life, I still plan on remaining a SSW.  Oh, believe me, I would love to give the reins over to someone else but I'm not a woman that gives up control over her own life that easily.  Yes, my heart has been 'stolen'...well ok, maybe not stolen; I chose to give it away, but some parts of me need to remain in control. 

In writing this new blog, I have a personal goal to not lose myself in my own life.   I need to remain true to me, to my son and to my Mr Right.  I purposely put myself first in this list.  I need to remain the most important person in my life (I wrote an entry on this in my other blog).  My minor son, in my mother's heart, is my priority and my man, in my woman's heart is also my priority.  Quite the juggling act eh?  I can do it.  I know that I can.

Everyday, people are put in my path.  I love to observe and absorb what these people say to me and how they make me feel.  I want to put into words how the stranger that cut me off while talking on his phone and driving makes me feel and how he has influenced my day.  I want to tell you how the little child that smiled at me at my grocery store has also marked my day.

From the strangers, to my friends, to the most important two men in my life (my son and Mr Right), lets see how SSW survives and perceives the juggling act that is life. 

I hope that you will continue to read on.  I absolutely loved having readers from all over the world.  I hope that your comments will be forthcoming....

Signed yours truly, surrounded by all kinds....  ;)

SSW :)